here you go

so my good friend kat reminded me that i have a blog. again. i am so bad about updating. i just have too many other things i want to do. and i run out of time. so a brief update of my life. i read the twilight series...twice. i helped my niece strip and stain a beautiful dresser. i went to a few crops with kat and shirley and had a wonderful time {see above lo}. i went on a retreat with kat and shirley for 3 days, totally awesome time. i moved my office at work and worked 12 straight days and was exhausted. my ds20 started working for dh and he has had a great exposure to real life and had to grow up really fast. i went to a football game at the high school to hear ds14 in the band...for 12 minutes and i was done and left and went to dinner. [apparently football is not my thing]. i lost 3.5 pounds and you can not tell. oh well. i stopped taping and watching one life to live and general hospital for the first time in so many years i can not remember. i just could not keep up any more. i am working on organizing my scrap room that is a complete disaster, well in my terms disaster. i can't find anything. i need labels. working on that. well that is about it in a nutshell. thanks for reading!

scrappy monday

today i spent the day with my friend kat. we scrappy shopped, had lunch and then went to my house to scrap. we had a great day and i love to spend time with her. this is the lo for the latest tallyscrapper challenge and i like how it turned out. it is good to have friends like kat, accepting, patient, kind, and well, we laugh a lot about, em, er, things! she is a good friend!

the saddest day comes every year

the saddest day comes every year

August 28

i am just cutting and pasting this as i have nothing more to say except i still feel the same as the day she left me.

i know that if you are reading this, you probably know what i am talking about. but every year i want to document again what this day represents. it has a double sadness for me. it will always be the worst day of my life..............ever. it has been 7 years now since i lost my daughter. she would be 28. old enough to be a mother, to make me a grandmother. or perhaps she would have had a career, a teacher, an attorney, an artist. maybe she just would have been like me; in a job that is not a career but one i care about. i don't know what she could have been, i just know she was special. she was smarter than most. she was beautiful. she was kind. she was full of energy and life. but she was also mentally ill. my daughter made my life special in many ways, she made me a mother. she taught me to laugh. she made me see things i would overlook. she loved cows! she loved a good mystery. she could do math like nobody i know! she spoke spanish impeccably. she was artistic. she was goofy. she was independent. i miss her every single day of my life. i have seen her ghost. she has spoken to me in my dreams. losing my daughter changed me from who i was to who i am; drifting through life waiting to see her again. her story is long and complicated and full of mysteries. i will not bore you with the details of her life and i will not horrify you with the details of her death. i just hope you all are with me in thoughts and prayers on this day.

and the reason for my double sadness: my mother also died on this day. after my daughter's death, she went to bed..... and stayed there. she was not healthy to begin with, but going to bed made it worse. it was two long years of her illness becoming worse. many days were spent in the hospital. many times i was angry with her because i needed her to be there for me. many times i cried and cried on her shoulder, but she just was too sad herself. she tried to console me, but she could not face the loss of my daughter, her first grandchild, herself. when my mother died, much too young, i know it was not from smoking and COPD as the doctors would say, it was from a broken heart. there is more to her story with my daughter. they had a very special relationship. and they died minutes apart, on the same day, two years apart. it was unbearable. it still is. i hope you can see my sadness, how it will never go away, how i long for both of them, to talk to them, to touch and hug them again.

and the reason i have gone on with my life after losing the two most important people a woman can have in her life: my oldest son, Samuel, and my youngest son Robert. without these two amazing boys, i would be lost. they make me smile still, when smiling is very hard. they make me remember that there is a reason to go on. they make new memories for me. they hold my hand when i need it the most. they make me madder than heck by being kids and make me love them more than is possible because they are MY kids. they are funny and musically talented and steadfast in their love for me. they are always there and listen when i cry about their sister and hug me and try to help me remember the good moments in my daughter's life. they are the best thing i have in my life and i love them so very much.

and the man that stands next to me, that holds my hand, that comforts me in my deepest darkness, the one person who is ALWAYS there to listen, to let me cry, to know and understand the depths of my despair, my darling husband. he has been a rock in my life. he is a giving and loving man. he has suffered his own loss of his father and his brother, yet he goes on. he is strong and wise and yet sensitive enough to cry with me at times. i can not express my gratitude and joy in having this man in my life. i love him with all my heart.

and the final person i need to introduce to you is my dad. he is actually my step-dad. he has been in my life since i was about 7. he raised me. he paid for everything when i was little. he taught me to be a good employee, to follow the rules, and yet how to let my hair down and have fun. he loved my mother from the beginning to the end and continues to love her still. he is here, but wants to be there with her. he suffered a massive stroke in february 2007, but he is aware of my mother's picture. this is the man who told me of my daughter's death. this is the man who held me as i collapsed in grief. this is the man that i try to visit every day, to let him know what he means to me, that he is MY FATHER, more than any man could be. he grieved with me and has felt my losses more than anyone else.

i am blessed to have the people i have, those i have lost and those i still have. i hope you have the same in your family.

family is the reason for living

what?

forget it! i can not be a regular blogger. i just do not remember to update! i finished the class with shimelle and hey, that had a blogger prompt on it, but i still just let it slide. sigh.

last night i scrapped with my friend Kat, who i adore. she is so funny and fun! tina came and she is a riot too. i had a great time. i only got 2 los done, since i was so busy listening to my girls! so here is one. i could not scan it; it is too lumpy. so it is on my mantle and that is the clock in the upper left corner and a candle in the bottom right corner. i much prefer a scanned lo! so summer is almost over, even tho it is still blazing hot here. ds14 will go back to school on the 25th. he is starting high school. i struggle with this. he is my baby and growing up way too fast. he is a wonderful child and i love him so much. ds20 is considering college again and i am keeping my fingers crossed. he really needs to do this. he is smart and is just wasting his potential. i am going to keep suggesting this to him.

poetry

blog prompt four is about poetry, inspiring poems, what i would want to share. i am a private poetry reader. i stand alone in my real life friends as a reader and lover of words. i will share an older poem that has stuck with me since i was a child.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

dh, this is how i love thee.

do you love poetry?

my first lo for my freedom:time


i am not internet savvy, so don't know how to meld the two pages together.

what's in your suitcase?

today's blog prompt from my freedom is what you think is necessary to pack for a trip. this is hilarious to me. i am a terrible traveler. what with my germ problem, fear of creepy crawlies, and fear of getting lost, i practically take my entire house with me! i always take my own pillow. gotta have that. i always pack extra clothes because you never know when you might have an accident where you get wet or spills or falls, you name it. i always take extra books, because i run out of things to read quickly. always take a crossword puzzle book and several pencils, spare shoes, a bag for dirty clothes, and usually some knitting. as you can imagine, my suitcase is always heavy, or i take too many. in the winter, i usually arrive at my hotel then hit a walmart or local store where i can buy a new blanket to sleep with. yep, can't use the blankets in hotels. sigh. and don't get me started on essentials such as toothpaste, shampoo, etc. gotta take full amounts cuz you can't take a chance in running out. i am not a fun traveler. but my dh is very patient with me and even helps by letting me use some of his space. my dream way to travel will be when we get our rv. all my own stuff. never a fear of germs, or running out and best of all, my own library. so i guess you could say my suitcase will actually be a vehicle (rv). lol!

ps it is ok to laugh at me. i know i am silly. just the freakyness of living as me!

time travel

the next blog prompt from shimelle is about time travel, where i would want to go anywhere in time for a day. the first place i would pick would be suzi's last day, but that is too private to discuss here. so i will go to my second pick.

i would just love to spend a day in ireland,scotland or england, in the 1800's at a ball, in a beautiful ball gown, being "brought out" by my parents. i love to read of the days when life was more romantic and polite. i love all of jane austen's books. i would love to be courted and receive written letters and be expected to do artful past times, of course, i would have to belong to the upper class for this. lol. i think it was a beautiful time and i wish we could have it again, along with a proper toilet, refrigerator and stove. and air conditioning. well, it is a dream...right?

time

The first blog prompt for shimelle's class is about time. Of course, this class started 2 weeks ago and i am just now finding the time to blog about it. I guess that is a good representation of how i do not have enough time. Time is tough for me. I work a job that is stressful, and when i get home at night, i am tired and want to do nothing. my time is stretched out like every woman who is a wife, mother, daughter and employee. i guess everyone has the same demands, but some can handle time organization better. i used to be better at this. i guess age slows you down. so my theme for time is you have to go back to go forward. not sure who said it first, but i like what it says. i look back and think about all the time that has passed and how i have changed. i want to be introspective and learn from my mistakes and maybe repeat my successes. so as i now start this class a little late and little unorganized, i will move forward and learn from my past. time is of the essence!

Tagged! who shall i tag?

so my scrappy friend rachel tagged me! i have not played this game for a long time, so here goes!

Each player answers 5 questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blog and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged. Let the person who tagged you know when you have posted your answers.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was working from home doing medical dictation. I was caring for my niece and nephews, as well as my own 2 boys. My daughter was in her last year of high school and getting ready to graduate from high school and go to college. I was bored out of my gourd and looking for something new. It took a couple more years, but I found scrapping, which has opened up my world to new friends, new adventures and photograpy!

5 things on today's to-do list:
Have the air conditioning man out to check on our leak.
laundry
gardening
scrapping for my class i am taking

I am addicted to:
chocolate
nectarines
coffee
my kids
scrapping

Things I would do if I were a millionaire:
i would pick a family in need and help them.
i would make sure that my boys both had a sum of money to help buy a house.
i would give dh a dream vacation where ever he should want to go and a kitchen filled with all the goodness he could ever need so he could cook as much as he wanted to.

Places I have lived:
so many!
El Paso, Texas
Cody, Wyoming
Rapid City, South Dakota
Phoenix, Arizona
Westminster, Gardena, Long Beach, Palms, Hungtington Beach, and San Jacinto, California

and I am tagging:
I read many blogs, but I have few that I can tag, so .........
kat my good friend and fab scrapper
shirley a scrappy friend and also very inspiring scrappy wise
shaunte a fab scrapper
rachel another fab scrapper
ree who i long to be like and who is a most wonderful photographer and cook, she does not know me, but just check out her blog!

ok, so there it is. play if you want. or not, no problems!

back soon with another post, since i am supposed to be blogging more with my class i am taking. i am an F student so far! lol!

my freedom

started a new class today with shimelle called my freedom. it is a photo, blogging, journaling, scrapping class. i am excited because i think it will really get my creativity going. i have been slacking, too tired after work to scrap, not taking pictures, and really not being creative at all. amazingly enough the first prompt is very timely. so off i go to take some pictures. i will post some here later, but will try to blog a little more regularly as that is part of the class. should be a fun class.

here is one of my most recent. i went to a crop with kat and had a great time. lately, i have not had enough time to scrap and this was really necessary. i needed the down time, the girl time, and the scrap time.

i have been missing my suzi so much and every now and then, it is just too hard. the feelings just never go away. if you know, then you know what i mean.

today was the 4th. we celebrated by cleaning windows, fixing a kitchen cupboard and me fixing a rib and baked beans dinner. boy am i tired! then i retreated to my scrap room to make a cd cover for a friend to hold the cd of the pictures i have edited for her. she was really happy with the last one. it was about 20 years old, had food on it, and was very faded. i fixed the color, edited out the food stains and printed it out. it looked like new. i was happy to do it for her.

on monday we are going on our annual trip to the water park. it is strange that now we only have one child at home to go. robert will be bringing a friend, but wow, just 2 kids! we are still getting the cabana, i plan on keeping out of the sun as much as possible. i know the guys will have a great time! i hope to get lots of good pics.

note:sherri, if you are reading, i am thinking of you. i wanted to contact you but i lost all your info. i pray for you and your family. take care.

did you miss me?

so, again i have been absent. i just don't seem to remember to post a note very often. i am overworked, when my free time comes, i just want to clean, scrap or play with my family, and really no one is reading! lol. it is just a journal for me so i can post when i want to, right? i just need to remember that i might be missing some milestones that i might want to remember some day!

so life is still difficult with my gallbladder issues. or lack of a gallbladder issues. this last weekend was exceptionally bad. could be related to work stress, but probably because i ate food with fat in it. need to really avoid that because the consequences are quite uncomfortable! the really sad part of all of this is that i will never be able to lose weight because my diet consists mostly of safe carbs. oh, well, not really caring too much about this, as i just want to be a little healthier!

dh has been offered a new post but has declined. i am sort of ambivalent about this. i think he is afraid to make changes at his age, but hey, change can be good. i will support him no matter what. we all know that he has to be happy on the job or life is just miserable! i appreciate his work ethic and know he will make the right decision for his family.

ds19 continues to live with ds gfC. i hope they are happy but occasionally i worry that he is not quite ready for this commitment. he does speak well of her, but hmmm, just not sure. i hope this can be a long term thing for both of them to grow a little and perhaps love each other.

ds14 has grown so much recently. we had to go again and get new jeans. just 3 months since the last purchase. we took a trip to town and saw his peds dr. she was quite surprised at his growth spurt but he is still under weight. at least he is at the 50th percentile in height. she stressed the point of eating more meat. we will continue to work with him on this to help him grow.

we are still in our bowling league. the funny thing is we both now have injuries! who knew bowling could be so disastrous to our joints! we are sticking it out and are now signed up for the summer league. we hope to have ds19 and his gfC with us. it would be a lot of fun!

i will leave with my latest lo that i have created for a challenge at http://www.tallyscrapper.com/board.php i really love this site, so warm and friendly. it is my new scrap home and i hope all of you will come visit. well, if i have any regular readers, thanks for visiting!

right here right now

my latest lo of ds13, about him becoming a young man.

so valentines day is almost here and i am not ready. i need to get some cards made, some candy bought and plan a dinner. should be able to do that tomorrow! work has been crazy mad busy, but i got a new helper and i am very excited that she will really make things easier for me. i have been taking a photography class and it has opened my eyes to new ways to use my camera. why did i wait? so hopefully my pics will be crisper and my los will be better! (one can only hope).

so ds13 took a tumble today and gave himself a concussion. he is ok, but it was scary for a little bit there. we need to watch him for a few days. ds19 is working all the time or playing with his band so we do not get to see him as much as we would like, but hopefully we will have some family time tomorrow.

we went to see juno last week and it was such a fun, cute movie. some adult themes, but ds13 was ok. i would not take any younger than that to see it! my niece came with us and we had a great time.

DS13 and his middle school band. also his group of friends in the bottom picture. all very talented young muscians.

been gone too long, but now i am back to stay

Well, it has been months. Life just got too busy and i strayed from my blog. Quelle horror! So I am going to update a little more often. Not that I have a loyal following or anything, but it is my journal of our life and should have pics to orient us to the timeframe. So here I am back at it! We had a very nice Christmas, too much food, gifts and good times. The boys both loved their gifts and I especially loved what dh got me...a new lens for my camera! Now all I need is a mountain trip to get some great long distance shots. dh was very happy with his new shiatsu. He sat on it for hours, until we read the directions... you are not supposed to use it that long! LOL So now it is the new year and of course, no resolutions. I am a think it and do it kind of person, not a planner aheader. We do make a list on New Years day of what we want to accomplish in our house. This year we are redoing our bathrooms upstairs. New shower with tile, new paint, a shelf in the master bath and a new picture in the boys bath. We also want to do a brick ring around our willow. That is if our willow survives from the big winds. It is looking pretty poorly right now. So ds13 had his Christmas concert and it was really awesome. My lo today is from that concert. We are so impressed with the band director and what he has done with this group of kids. They are so ready for high school band. Well, thanks for reading and hope to post more soon!