it took him a long time to decide. we encouraged for two years, we practiced, we cajoled, we offered presents and money. the youngest has always done things in his own time. now he is proficient, he will take his final driving test on Halloween and we will have our last bird leave the nest.
a bittersweet moment in life!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
LIFE GOES ON THROUGH THE DARKEST DAYS
AGAIN CUT AND PASTE
this is the worst month of the year for me. i have cut and paste my entry for today. i spent the day with my family, i light a candle and i just be with the ones i love. thank you for your thoughts and prayers on this day.
i know that if you are reading this, you probably know what i am talking about. but every year i want to document again what this day represents. it has a double sadness for me. it will always be the worst day of my life..............ever. it has been 10 years now since i lost my daughter. she would be 31. old enough to be a mother, to make me a grandmother. or perhaps she would have had a career, as a teacher, an attorney, an artist. maybe she just would have been like me; in a job that is not a career but one i care about. i don't know what she could have been, i just know she was special. she was smarter than most. she was beautiful. she was kind. she was full of energy and life. but she was also mentally ill. my daughter made my life special in many ways, she made me a mother. she taught me to laugh. she made me see things i would overlook. she loved cows! she loved a good mystery. she could do math like nobody i know! she spoke spanish impeccably. she was artistic. she was goofy. she was independent. i miss her every single day of my life. i have seen her ghost and still do to this day. she has spoken to me in my dreams. losing my daughter changed me from who i was to who i am; drifting through life waiting to see her again. her story is long and complicated and full of mysteries. i will not bore you with the details of her life and i will not horrify you with the details of her death. i just hope you all are with me in thoughts and prayers on this day. my grief is unending to this day.
and the reason for my double sadness: my mother also died on this day. after my daughter's death, she went to bed..... and stayed there. she was not healthy to begin with, but going to bed made it worse. it was two long years of her illness becoming worse. many days were spent in the hospital. many times i was angry with her because i needed her to be there for me. many times i cried and cried on her shoulder, but she just was too sad herself. she tried to console me, but she could not face the loss of my daughter, her first grandchild, herself. when my mother died, much too young, i know it was not from smoking and COPD as the doctors would say, it was from a broken heart. there is more to her story with my daughter. they had a very special relationship. and they died minutes apart, on the same day, two years apart. it was unbearable. it still is. i hope you can see my sadness, how it will never go away, how i long for both of them, to talk to them, to touch and hug them again.
and the reason i have gone on with my life after losing the two most important people a woman can have in her life: my oldest son, Samuel, and my youngest son Robert. without these two amazing boys, i would be lost. they make me smile still, when smiling is very hard. they make me remember that there is a reason to go on. they make new memories for me. they hold my hand when i need it the most. they make me madder than heck by being kids and make me love them more than is possible because they are MY kids. they are funny and musically talented and steadfast in their love for me. they are always there and listen when i cry about their sister and hug me and try to help me remember the good moments in my daughter's life. they are the best thing i have in my life and i love them so very much.
and the man that stands next to me, that holds my hand, that comforts me in my deepest darkness, the one person who is ALWAYS there to listen, to let me cry, to know and understand the depths of my despair, my darling husband. he has been a rock in my life. he is a giving and loving man. he has suffered his own loss of his father and his brother, yet he goes on. he is strong and wise and yet sensitive enough to cry with me at times. i can not express my gratitude and joy in having this man in my life. i love him with all my heart.
and the final person i need to introduce to you is my dad. he is actually my step-dad. he has been in my life since i was about 7. he raised me. he paid for everything when i was little. he taught me to be a good employee, to follow the rules, and yet how to let my hair down and have fun. he loved my mother from the beginning to the end and continues to love her still. he passed away on June 26, 2011,wanting to be there with my mother. he suffered a massive stroke in february,2008, but he was always aware of my mother's picture. this is the man who told me of my daughter's death. this is the man who held me as i collapsed in grief. this is the man that i tried to visit often, to let him know what he meant to me, that he is MY FATHER, more than any man could be. he grieved with me and has felt my losses more than anyone else.
i am blessed to have the people i have, those i have lost and those i still have. i hope you have the same in your family.
family is the reason for living.
this is the worst month of the year for me. i have cut and paste my entry for today. i spent the day with my family, i light a candle and i just be with the ones i love. thank you for your thoughts and prayers on this day.
i know that if you are reading this, you probably know what i am talking about. but every year i want to document again what this day represents. it has a double sadness for me. it will always be the worst day of my life..............ever. it has been 10 years now since i lost my daughter. she would be 31. old enough to be a mother, to make me a grandmother. or perhaps she would have had a career, as a teacher, an attorney, an artist. maybe she just would have been like me; in a job that is not a career but one i care about. i don't know what she could have been, i just know she was special. she was smarter than most. she was beautiful. she was kind. she was full of energy and life. but she was also mentally ill. my daughter made my life special in many ways, she made me a mother. she taught me to laugh. she made me see things i would overlook. she loved cows! she loved a good mystery. she could do math like nobody i know! she spoke spanish impeccably. she was artistic. she was goofy. she was independent. i miss her every single day of my life. i have seen her ghost and still do to this day. she has spoken to me in my dreams. losing my daughter changed me from who i was to who i am; drifting through life waiting to see her again. her story is long and complicated and full of mysteries. i will not bore you with the details of her life and i will not horrify you with the details of her death. i just hope you all are with me in thoughts and prayers on this day. my grief is unending to this day.
and the reason for my double sadness: my mother also died on this day. after my daughter's death, she went to bed..... and stayed there. she was not healthy to begin with, but going to bed made it worse. it was two long years of her illness becoming worse. many days were spent in the hospital. many times i was angry with her because i needed her to be there for me. many times i cried and cried on her shoulder, but she just was too sad herself. she tried to console me, but she could not face the loss of my daughter, her first grandchild, herself. when my mother died, much too young, i know it was not from smoking and COPD as the doctors would say, it was from a broken heart. there is more to her story with my daughter. they had a very special relationship. and they died minutes apart, on the same day, two years apart. it was unbearable. it still is. i hope you can see my sadness, how it will never go away, how i long for both of them, to talk to them, to touch and hug them again.
and the reason i have gone on with my life after losing the two most important people a woman can have in her life: my oldest son, Samuel, and my youngest son Robert. without these two amazing boys, i would be lost. they make me smile still, when smiling is very hard. they make me remember that there is a reason to go on. they make new memories for me. they hold my hand when i need it the most. they make me madder than heck by being kids and make me love them more than is possible because they are MY kids. they are funny and musically talented and steadfast in their love for me. they are always there and listen when i cry about their sister and hug me and try to help me remember the good moments in my daughter's life. they are the best thing i have in my life and i love them so very much.
and the man that stands next to me, that holds my hand, that comforts me in my deepest darkness, the one person who is ALWAYS there to listen, to let me cry, to know and understand the depths of my despair, my darling husband. he has been a rock in my life. he is a giving and loving man. he has suffered his own loss of his father and his brother, yet he goes on. he is strong and wise and yet sensitive enough to cry with me at times. i can not express my gratitude and joy in having this man in my life. i love him with all my heart.
and the final person i need to introduce to you is my dad. he is actually my step-dad. he has been in my life since i was about 7. he raised me. he paid for everything when i was little. he taught me to be a good employee, to follow the rules, and yet how to let my hair down and have fun. he loved my mother from the beginning to the end and continues to love her still. he passed away on June 26, 2011,wanting to be there with my mother. he suffered a massive stroke in february,2008, but he was always aware of my mother's picture. this is the man who told me of my daughter's death. this is the man who held me as i collapsed in grief. this is the man that i tried to visit often, to let him know what he meant to me, that he is MY FATHER, more than any man could be. he grieved with me and has felt my losses more than anyone else.
i am blessed to have the people i have, those i have lost and those i still have. i hope you have the same in your family.
family is the reason for living.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
always august
it seems i always post in august. well, some updates:
my dad passed away in July. it has been so hard to realize that of my mom's kids i am now the oldest member of our family. i miss my dad, but i have missed him so much since his stroke a few years ago. he was tired. sad he is gone, sad he had to suffer so long.
started nursing school in December 2010. i am an older student and it is HARD. but i am keeping up with the youngins and getting As and Bs so i am happy with that.
oldest boy is off on his own and doing well, has a beautiful girl in his life. i am happy for him.
youngest boy is starting senior year and still is my baby boy. he is just now getting ready for his driving license. i am happy he is maturing, but i hope he stays home for a few more years.
my dearest one, the hubby, was laid off in december from his job of 30 years. bummer. but had so many job offers the very same day! he is working for a company that is not as established as the last one and building their product. he is stressed but i know he can do it since he is the best at his business.
still trying to scrap in my very limited spare time between school and work. i miss it so much. but only a year to go and i will be done with school for a little bit. then i will get my scrap on again.
hello to all my old friends out there. and see you soon.
my dad passed away in July. it has been so hard to realize that of my mom's kids i am now the oldest member of our family. i miss my dad, but i have missed him so much since his stroke a few years ago. he was tired. sad he is gone, sad he had to suffer so long.
started nursing school in December 2010. i am an older student and it is HARD. but i am keeping up with the youngins and getting As and Bs so i am happy with that.
oldest boy is off on his own and doing well, has a beautiful girl in his life. i am happy for him.
youngest boy is starting senior year and still is my baby boy. he is just now getting ready for his driving license. i am happy he is maturing, but i hope he stays home for a few more years.
my dearest one, the hubby, was laid off in december from his job of 30 years. bummer. but had so many job offers the very same day! he is working for a company that is not as established as the last one and building their product. he is stressed but i know he can do it since he is the best at his business.
still trying to scrap in my very limited spare time between school and work. i miss it so much. but only a year to go and i will be done with school for a little bit. then i will get my scrap on again.
hello to all my old friends out there. and see you soon.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
and august comes again
this is the worst month of the year for me. i have cut and paste my entry for today, but the actual day was yesterday. i spent the day with my family, i light a candle and i just be with the ones i love. thank you for your thoughts and prayers on this day.
i know that if you are reading this, you probably know what i am talking about. but every year i want to document again what this day represents. it has a double sadness for me. it will always be the worst day of my life..............ever. it has been 9 years now since i lost my daughter. she would be 30. old enough to be a mother, to make me a grandmother. or perhaps she would have had a career, a teacher, an attorney, an artist. maybe she just would have been like me; in a job that is not a career but one i care about. i don't know what she could have been, i just know she was special. she was smarter than most. she was beautiful. she was kind. she was full of energy and life. but she was also mentally ill. my daughter made my life special in many ways, she made me a mother. she taught me to laugh. she made me see things i would overlook. she loved cows! she loved a good mystery. she could do math like nobody i know! she spoke spanish impeccably. she was artistic. she was goofy. she was independent. i miss her every single day of my life. i have seen her ghost. she has spoken to me in my dreams. losing my daughter changed me from who i was to who i am; drifting through life waiting to see her again. her story is long and complicated and full of mysteries. i will not bore you with the details of her life and i will not horrify you with the details of her death. i just hope you all are with me in thoughts and prayers on this day.
and the reason for my double sadness: my mother also died on this day. after my daughter's death, she went to bed..... and stayed there. she was not healthy to begin with, but going to bed made it worse. it was two long years of her illness becoming worse. many days were spent in the hospital. many times i was angry with her because i needed her to be there for me. many times i cried and cried on her shoulder, but she just was too sad herself. she tried to console me, but she could not face the loss of my daughter, her first grandchild, herself. when my mother died, much too young, i know it was not from smoking and COPD as the doctors would say, it was from a broken heart. there is more to her story with my daughter. they had a very special relationship. and they died minutes apart, on the same day, two years apart. it was unbearable. it still is. i hope you can see my sadness, how it will never go away, how i long for both of them, to talk to them, to touch and hug them again.
and the reason i have gone on with my life after losing the two most important people a woman can have in her life: my oldest son, Samuel, and my youngest son Robert. without these two amazing boys, i would be lost. they make me smile still, when smiling is very hard. they make me remember that there is a reason to go on. they make new memories for me. they hold my hand when i need it the most. they make me madder than heck by being kids and make me love them more than is possible because they are MY kids. they are funny and musically talented and steadfast in their love for me. they are always there and listen when i cry about their sister and hug me and try to help me remember the good moments in my daughter's life. they are the best thing i have in my life and i love them so very much.
and the man that stands next to me, that holds my hand, that comforts me in my deepest darkness, the one person who is ALWAYS there to listen, to let me cry, to know and understand the depths of my despair, my darling husband. he has been a rock in my life. he is a giving and loving man. he has suffered his own loss of his father and his brother, yet he goes on. he is strong and wise and yet sensitive enough to cry with me at times. i can not express my gratitude and joy in having this man in my life. i love him with all my heart.
and the final person i need to introduce to you is my dad. he is actually my step-dad. he has been in my life since i was about 7. he raised me. he paid for everything when i was little. he taught me to be a good employee, to follow the rules, and yet how to let my hair down and have fun. he loved my mother from the beginning to the end and continues to love her still. he is here, but wants to be there with her. he suffered a massive stroke in february,2008, but he is aware of my mother's picture. this is the man who told me of my daughter's death. this is the man who held me as i collapsed in grief. this is the man that i try to visit often, to let him know what he means to me, that he is MY FATHER, more than any man could be. he grieved with me and has felt my losses more than anyone else.
i am blessed to have the people i have, those i have lost and those i still have. i hope you have the same in your family.
family is the reason for living.
i know that if you are reading this, you probably know what i am talking about. but every year i want to document again what this day represents. it has a double sadness for me. it will always be the worst day of my life..............ever. it has been 9 years now since i lost my daughter. she would be 30. old enough to be a mother, to make me a grandmother. or perhaps she would have had a career, a teacher, an attorney, an artist. maybe she just would have been like me; in a job that is not a career but one i care about. i don't know what she could have been, i just know she was special. she was smarter than most. she was beautiful. she was kind. she was full of energy and life. but she was also mentally ill. my daughter made my life special in many ways, she made me a mother. she taught me to laugh. she made me see things i would overlook. she loved cows! she loved a good mystery. she could do math like nobody i know! she spoke spanish impeccably. she was artistic. she was goofy. she was independent. i miss her every single day of my life. i have seen her ghost. she has spoken to me in my dreams. losing my daughter changed me from who i was to who i am; drifting through life waiting to see her again. her story is long and complicated and full of mysteries. i will not bore you with the details of her life and i will not horrify you with the details of her death. i just hope you all are with me in thoughts and prayers on this day.
and the reason for my double sadness: my mother also died on this day. after my daughter's death, she went to bed..... and stayed there. she was not healthy to begin with, but going to bed made it worse. it was two long years of her illness becoming worse. many days were spent in the hospital. many times i was angry with her because i needed her to be there for me. many times i cried and cried on her shoulder, but she just was too sad herself. she tried to console me, but she could not face the loss of my daughter, her first grandchild, herself. when my mother died, much too young, i know it was not from smoking and COPD as the doctors would say, it was from a broken heart. there is more to her story with my daughter. they had a very special relationship. and they died minutes apart, on the same day, two years apart. it was unbearable. it still is. i hope you can see my sadness, how it will never go away, how i long for both of them, to talk to them, to touch and hug them again.
and the reason i have gone on with my life after losing the two most important people a woman can have in her life: my oldest son, Samuel, and my youngest son Robert. without these two amazing boys, i would be lost. they make me smile still, when smiling is very hard. they make me remember that there is a reason to go on. they make new memories for me. they hold my hand when i need it the most. they make me madder than heck by being kids and make me love them more than is possible because they are MY kids. they are funny and musically talented and steadfast in their love for me. they are always there and listen when i cry about their sister and hug me and try to help me remember the good moments in my daughter's life. they are the best thing i have in my life and i love them so very much.
and the man that stands next to me, that holds my hand, that comforts me in my deepest darkness, the one person who is ALWAYS there to listen, to let me cry, to know and understand the depths of my despair, my darling husband. he has been a rock in my life. he is a giving and loving man. he has suffered his own loss of his father and his brother, yet he goes on. he is strong and wise and yet sensitive enough to cry with me at times. i can not express my gratitude and joy in having this man in my life. i love him with all my heart.
and the final person i need to introduce to you is my dad. he is actually my step-dad. he has been in my life since i was about 7. he raised me. he paid for everything when i was little. he taught me to be a good employee, to follow the rules, and yet how to let my hair down and have fun. he loved my mother from the beginning to the end and continues to love her still. he is here, but wants to be there with her. he suffered a massive stroke in february,2008, but he is aware of my mother's picture. this is the man who told me of my daughter's death. this is the man who held me as i collapsed in grief. this is the man that i try to visit often, to let him know what he means to me, that he is MY FATHER, more than any man could be. he grieved with me and has felt my losses more than anyone else.
i am blessed to have the people i have, those i have lost and those i still have. i hope you have the same in your family.
family is the reason for living.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
hello 2010
it is a new year and hopefully a new start. it has been said by me before that i ignore my blog, but i really am going to try to pay more attention this time. so hello to 2010, a new year, a new start and hopefully some new creativity.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
workin too much
yeah, it has been a long time since my last post. i have been working too many hours and when i am home, i just want to veg out! i love my job, love that i still have a job and know that it is an important job. just need a little down time! so this weekend i went to a crop with my scrappy friend kat. i love this girl. we had a good time. i made some new friends and hope to scrap with them again soon. this crop was for Autism Speaks. we did raise a little money. but we had a great time! so if you do not know about autism, do some research. google it. autism is on the rise. researchers are unsure if the increase is because we are better at diagnosing it now or if there is an actual increase in autistic children. early intervention is acutely necessary. i have an autistic nephew that i love dearly. he is such a smart boy and so sweet. never be afraid to ask questions and educate your self about this disorder. you might find yourself loving somebody who will add much to your life.
tomorrow i will post some los!
tomorrow i will post some los!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
2009
i won't make promises to post more often, that would be an empty promise! i am the worst blogger! but here i am to say happy 2009, get your buttocks in gear, change it up, make your life a little different and perhaps a little better. i have started by vowing to take more pictures. pictures of my town, my family and myself. just to document a better record of our days. that is what my blog started out to be afterall! however, life seems to get in the way and so now i need to make myself do these things. i also want to be a little healthier. make my thighs a little thinner, walk a little, shimmy a little, just move a little more. i can do it. i have done it in the past and it is easy if i just get moving. i hope you all had a fab holiday season. i hope this new year brings you many good things and that the world can be a little bit nicer place to live. hope.
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